My mind hurts...

So I'm totally into this blogging thing hardcore now. I started doing my own teaching blog and it has really taken off. And I'm following a ton now. With my new blogging adventure and having my own "teaching store" where I create and sell my products, I have convinced my husband to get a Mac with some of our tax return money. The iPad just isn't doing what I need it to. :P So that means in the next few weeks my life will be consumed with blogging and computer creations as we welcome the new computer baby into our home. So. Pumped.

So...I decided that a lot of times, writing things out is the easiest way for me to express myself or communicate. Sometimes I just can't put into verbal words what it is I'm trying to say or how I feel.

Btw, if I have any typos in this post, I blame it on the iPad. It's pretty tricky to type entirely on a touch screen. That's my disclaimer for the night...

So, back to my dilemma. This is where I will try to get serious. Do you ever have something in your life that is so hard to express or talk about because you dont fully understand it yet? It's just so deep that even your mind has a hard time comprehending what's going on? Yeah. I'm there.

I've struggled with depressionn for a few years now. It's so challenging. Because you drive yourself crazy because you just want to be normal. You want to be ok. You want to be happy. You want to let things roll off your back. But those darn chemicals in your body just get out of whack and can't let your mind be free. Everything becomes a struggle. Every morning is a challenge to drag yourself out of bed because you know that with a new day comes new struggles and you wonder you're going to deal. If I could tack one word to depression, it would be: EXHAUSTING. Mentally, physically, emotionally...basically anything that ends with -ly. I think that's half the battle with the whole kit n caboodle. You're just so. Worn. Out.

Now, I'm putting all this out there because I have come to a place where I can't keep hiding behind this persona. Let me tell you, it's hard. You try so hard to hide that anything is wrong because you feel ashamed. Defeated. Embarrassed. Like a burden to others. A failure. Imperfect. Belittled. Different. Like an outcast. It's hard enough dealing with the stuff going through your head that tears you down. But then to have the potential that people will treat you differently...in a bad way...it's downright scary and frightening.

I do want to throw out there that I do take meds (btw, you'd be shocked if you learned how many teachers are on antidepressants...maybe lots are in general, but I had no idea it was so popular amongst education) and I am seeing a counselor. These two things have helped TREMENDOUSLY. And I have a super-supportive husband. He's amazing.

With my personality, I DO things to take my mind off being stagnant. If my mind is idle, Satan throws in some whacked out stuff and just goes after everything I've got. Which brings me to my dilemma (I know it's taken me FOR-EV-AH to get there...sorry...as I teach, background info is important!):

Lately, I've been questioning a lot of...shall we say, spiritual things? I know without a doubt that I received Christ my freshman year of college. There was that MOMENT. And then I had a RADICAL transformation. I mean, my whole life revolved around Christ. Like it should. It was amazing. I accepted Christ on a beach by myself (after being led by some pretty amazing friends), was baptized in the ocean, joined a church, led freshmen groups, was in women's groups, started a Christian sorority at Ole Miss, was mentored by an amazing woman of God, worked at a Christian camp in Texas for 2 summers...everything I did was kingdom-minded, Christ-glorifying, do-the-will-of-the-Father. It was incredible and unbelievable. I couldn't get enough. I was so after having that deep, personal relationship with Christ. It was pure joy and and happiness. When bad or trying things happened, it didn't matter, I had God to get me through. And He did. Everytime.

What happened? Our pastor did something different in church on Sunday. Instead of asking people to raise hands if they accepted Christ, he asked people to raise their hands if they knew for sure that they had Jesus in their lives. And ya know what? I didn't raise my hand. Because I just wasn't sure anymore. Had I done something to make Him forget about me and make Him not want me anymore? Now I "know" the Bible and "know" that it says NOTHING can separate us from the love of Christ. But now I'm questioning if I know that in my heart. I don't think I do. And I've always heard once-saved-always-saved, and by golly, Beth Moore will pound that in your head and tell you over and over that you are SEALED. But I'm just not feeling it. And I know "love and relationships shouldn't always be based on feelings", but what the heck? Shouldn't you "feel" something at least every once in a while? And I try so hard. I read my Bible, try to tackle a million studies, pray, etc., etc. etc. But nothing. I feel like I'm treading water.

Ya wanna know something weird? In our Lifegroup, we are studying spiritual gifts. I couldn't think for the life of me that God had gifted me with anything. I know what I "used" to be gifted in and that I still enjoy, but nothing was getting me excited or had me thinking or anything. I was so frustrated. But then Nathan said something about his old church having a grief ministry. WHAT?!?! I about leaped out of my seat. It was so...out of nowhere. I thought, HEY! What if I could reach out and encourage and support others with depression or those who are struggling balancing careers, motherhood, being a woman...but then...but then...we started talking about serving in areas where we should and shouldn't. Someone said something about are we just taking up someone's space by serving in an area where they're supposed to be? And ya know how I twisted that? "Hmmmm...maybe I'm just taking up space by being on this planet in general. Maybe I shouldn't be here and someone can do it better." .....?????? WHAT IS THAT?!?! Spiritual warfare? Hmmmm...food for thought...

So yeah, I left last night totally discouraged and upset.

BUT, if I can ever figure out this God-dilemma, I think I could really help some women with burdened hearts...I know it...I've seen it...I've experienced it...I know sometimes you just need a hug...someone to listen...someone to tell you what you're feeling is valid and that it will be ok...I would LOVE that. I want to feel like I'm helping. I think it would take my mind off myself and make me feel like I were helping someone. What all that actually looks
Like being played out, I have no idea. Time will tell.

If you made it this far, bless your heart. May God give you a special crown. I hope you don't think I'm some crazy that you don't want to be around because "she's got issues." I promise I'm an ok gal. Human. But ok. :)

Any advice or insight, I could sure use it. Help. Please. I'm desperate for some understanding. :)

Sarah