The crazy game of LIFE

I'm just coming out of my nightly panic/anxiety attack. It takes so much out of me and makes me so tired, so I doubt I will blog very long tonight.

I had an appointment with my counselor this afternoon. I pretty much bawled the entire time. It was good, but the knot in my stomach still won't go away. I tried to eat dinner tonight and had to force everything after the first two bites. And now I feel sick to my stomach even more. My mind started thinking, I started being hard on myself, my throat got tight, my stomach knotted up, my heart started racing, and then I crawled in bed and just cried. Now I'm coming out of this. As I recount my evening, the symptoms are resurfacing and I'm driving myself into another episode. This is MISERABLE. And I'm gonna say the word again: EXHAUSTING.

Kyle is supposed to take away all my meds (over-the-counter or prescribed)and just give me what I need when I need it. Done. I already hate having an empty nightstand drawer.

Then I'm not supposed to be by myself at night, so I have to find things to do or people to be with. I'm also supposed to take time for myself every day. At least an hour if I can. Yikes. That will be hard. But I will try.

Other random thoughts for today (because I'm tired of trying to make my thoughts flow and failing at it...):

-food makes me sick
-I shake a lot
-I sleep 4-5 hours a night
-polka dots don't make me smile anymore
-I really want it to be warm and sunny so I can be outside
-I have a HORRIBLE problem with comparing myself to others (I mean, really bad)
-COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY
-I totally had to double-check how to spell "thief". I can't ever remember if it's i before e or e before i.
-jeans day is awful right now...all my jeans fall off because they're too big. Even with a belt.
-the bible is of no interest to me right now because the words just...don't mean anything
-I want to be on a beach right now getting a suntan
-I wish I were a better mom. Maybe I'm not cut out for this.

Yep...that's it for now. Time to try to sleep...and hoping a bus crashes into our house and runs me over (which would be amazing, considering we live at the end of a no-outlet road in a tiny neighborhood...no buses here,). Goodnight...