I have clicked on my blog several times tonight, debating whether or not to write. This could be a long one, I'm just preparing anybody who decides to TRY to read this mess. :P
Let me preface by saying, I really hate how I complain so much when I blog. But I think the reasoning is when I get upset or frustrated, I just need to let it out somehow. So I kind of feel bad for seeming like a complainer, but at the same time, this is my outlet where I can get things out and let them go. I'm not sure if anybody really reads this blog anyways, so maybe that's a good thing. :P
Ok, so maybe I just don't like being told what to do. I am VERY stubborn. (Ok, my history with depression and being too hard on myself, I need to insert a good quality about myself real quick...that's what my therapist said to do, lol...ummmm..............................well..........crap. Maybe I need to go back to therapy. :( :( :( ) Well, anyways, I think it's just the 3rd trimester hormones, but I have been getting very offended and emotional lately. I feel like I'm not allowed to make any decisions about my pregnancy/this baby without someone chiming in how I'm doing things wrong or making mistakes or need to do it this way or that. I honestly just want to crawl in a hole until baby arrives and then lock myself in the house after he arrives and not go out and see ANYONE. Which I won't do, because baby needs to be around others. And I really am a social person, but I also get very overwhelmed very quickly and easily. It's weird. It's like a wal goes up. I also get social anxiety and panic attacks sometimes, even though sometimes I'm fine other times I'm not. I'm not quite sure what triggers it specifically. My brain just gets overstimulated sometimes and I shut down.
I'm not even sure what else to say. Getting all this out is making me emotional and even more confused. :( There are thoughts that I have that I feel SO guilty for having. Like thinking certain people will take my baby and won't give them back. I'm scared they'll try to make my child love them more than he will love me. I'm scared of failing as a mom. I'm scared of making a mistake and having people think I'm no good at this and shouldn't be a mom. I'm scared certain people won't leave me alone once I have the baby because they just want to see him and be near him. Like I said, it's not that I don't want other people in the baby's life. That's not it one single bit. I'm just scared my son won't know who I am because he will be handed off to somebody else all the time.
Ok, I'm done. I feel I've already said too much and I can hardly breathe because I'm really upset right now. I'm shutting down. I'll be fine very soon. I just need a few. Thanks for letting me vent. I see my husband MAYBE an hour or two a day, and he's been nothing but loving and supportive and I hate always unloading on him.
Oh, also, one thing I want to do before I'm done for the night is say that apparently I'm the worst pregnant woman ever because I:
- drink caffeine
- still do things and carry things, even though I'm on bedrest
- push myself too much to where I get contractions, and I don't care too much
- eat fish
- will get internal exams done and I'm EXCITED about it
- will NOT be using pacifiers
- will be nursing, but only for a couple months
- will be going back to work because I can't imagine my life without my job
- still watch my weight and don't eat if I feel like I'm gaining too much (which might explain why I've only gained 5 pounds)
- will occasionally eat lunchmeat (I usually don't want to eat it, but I will if it's what I want)
- take more meds now than I ever have in my life (you should see my nightstand drawer...I have 7 bottles of prescribed pills...including, prenatal vitamins, antidepressants, iron supplement, 2 different types of anti-nausea pills, a type of caffeine pill for migraines, extra-strength tylenol, and Tylenol 3 with coedine)
- secretly wish that he will come 3 weeks early...and that he's born in the middle of the night so that we can have a few hours to ourselves before ANYBODY comes to visit...once again, it's the social anxiety thing, not anything personal. Just want a few hours to breathe and enjoy my new family.
Flame if you wish, judge if you want.
Whew. Thanks.
