I like the word FRESH. Is that weird? There's just something about it...it's...reFRESHing! Think about it... I remember that word striking me for the first time. Beth Moore used it to describe her new book (at the time) "Believing God". "A fresh explosion of faith" Wow. Doesn't that just sound nice? I love the word!
Ok, anyways...
I feel like I'm off to a fresh start! It's INCREDIBLE. The doctor upped my dosage of antidepressant from 10 mg to 20 mg. I honestly feel like a new person! Who knew it could be so easy? I was talking with my pastor's wife this morning (hi Angie!). We'd been playing phone tag for a few days and finally caught up. She was so encouraging and made me feel not so alone. Wow. She told me that what a lot of people don't understand is that if you have that chemical imbalance, you can't even BEGIN to think clearly spiritually. I told her she was so right. That's exactly how I felt. I would just lay on my floor, not even knowing where to start. I would try so hard to pray and read Scripture, but I just COULDN'T. No words would come out, nothing made sense, I was just so stuck. But ever since I started taking more medicine, I can honestly think more clearly and rationally. It's like the fog has been lifted. Church this morning was so refreshing (there we go again!) because it actually made sense. I could hear. I could listen. I could think.
The road is not finished...there's still a VERY long way to go. I find out the results of my blood test tomorrow and will be visiting a doctor in Marysville that will hopefully really help me out with the headaches and things. But I FINALLY feel normal again. And you have no idea how good that feels. :)
Love y'all...
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
The crazy game of LIFE
I'm just coming out of my nightly panic/anxiety attack. It takes so much out of me and makes me so tired, so I doubt I will blog very long tonight.
I had an appointment with my counselor this afternoon. I pretty much bawled the entire time. It was good, but the knot in my stomach still won't go away. I tried to eat dinner tonight and had to force everything after the first two bites. And now I feel sick to my stomach even more. My mind started thinking, I started being hard on myself, my throat got tight, my stomach knotted up, my heart started racing, and then I crawled in bed and just cried. Now I'm coming out of this. As I recount my evening, the symptoms are resurfacing and I'm driving myself into another episode. This is MISERABLE. And I'm gonna say the word again: EXHAUSTING.
Kyle is supposed to take away all my meds (over-the-counter or prescribed)and just give me what I need when I need it. Done. I already hate having an empty nightstand drawer.
Then I'm not supposed to be by myself at night, so I have to find things to do or people to be with. I'm also supposed to take time for myself every day. At least an hour if I can. Yikes. That will be hard. But I will try.
Other random thoughts for today (because I'm tired of trying to make my thoughts flow and failing at it...):
-food makes me sick
-I shake a lot
-I sleep 4-5 hours a night
-polka dots don't make me smile anymore
-I really want it to be warm and sunny so I can be outside
-I have a HORRIBLE problem with comparing myself to others (I mean, really bad)
-COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY
-I totally had to double-check how to spell "thief". I can't ever remember if it's i before e or e before i.
-jeans day is awful right now...all my jeans fall off because they're too big. Even with a belt.
-the bible is of no interest to me right now because the words just...don't mean anything
-I want to be on a beach right now getting a suntan
-I wish I were a better mom. Maybe I'm not cut out for this.
Yep...that's it for now. Time to try to sleep...and hoping a bus crashes into our house and runs me over (which would be amazing, considering we live at the end of a no-outlet road in a tiny neighborhood...no buses here,). Goodnight...
I had an appointment with my counselor this afternoon. I pretty much bawled the entire time. It was good, but the knot in my stomach still won't go away. I tried to eat dinner tonight and had to force everything after the first two bites. And now I feel sick to my stomach even more. My mind started thinking, I started being hard on myself, my throat got tight, my stomach knotted up, my heart started racing, and then I crawled in bed and just cried. Now I'm coming out of this. As I recount my evening, the symptoms are resurfacing and I'm driving myself into another episode. This is MISERABLE. And I'm gonna say the word again: EXHAUSTING.
Kyle is supposed to take away all my meds (over-the-counter or prescribed)and just give me what I need when I need it. Done. I already hate having an empty nightstand drawer.
Then I'm not supposed to be by myself at night, so I have to find things to do or people to be with. I'm also supposed to take time for myself every day. At least an hour if I can. Yikes. That will be hard. But I will try.
Other random thoughts for today (because I'm tired of trying to make my thoughts flow and failing at it...):
-food makes me sick
-I shake a lot
-I sleep 4-5 hours a night
-polka dots don't make me smile anymore
-I really want it to be warm and sunny so I can be outside
-I have a HORRIBLE problem with comparing myself to others (I mean, really bad)
-COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY
-I totally had to double-check how to spell "thief". I can't ever remember if it's i before e or e before i.
-jeans day is awful right now...all my jeans fall off because they're too big. Even with a belt.
-the bible is of no interest to me right now because the words just...don't mean anything
-I want to be on a beach right now getting a suntan
-I wish I were a better mom. Maybe I'm not cut out for this.
Yep...that's it for now. Time to try to sleep...and hoping a bus crashes into our house and runs me over (which would be amazing, considering we live at the end of a no-outlet road in a tiny neighborhood...no buses here,). Goodnight...
Thursday, February 9, 2012
My mind hurts...
So I'm totally into this blogging thing hardcore now. I started doing my own teaching blog and it has really taken off. And I'm following a ton now. With my new blogging adventure and having my own "teaching store" where I create and sell my products, I have convinced my husband to get a Mac with some of our tax return money. The iPad just isn't doing what I need it to. :P So that means in the next few weeks my life will be consumed with blogging and computer creations as we welcome the new computer baby into our home. So. Pumped.
So...I decided that a lot of times, writing things out is the easiest way for me to express myself or communicate. Sometimes I just can't put into verbal words what it is I'm trying to say or how I feel.
Btw, if I have any typos in this post, I blame it on the iPad. It's pretty tricky to type entirely on a touch screen. That's my disclaimer for the night...
So, back to my dilemma. This is where I will try to get serious. Do you ever have something in your life that is so hard to express or talk about because you dont fully understand it yet? It's just so deep that even your mind has a hard time comprehending what's going on? Yeah. I'm there.
I've struggled with depressionn for a few years now. It's so challenging. Because you drive yourself crazy because you just want to be normal. You want to be ok. You want to be happy. You want to let things roll off your back. But those darn chemicals in your body just get out of whack and can't let your mind be free. Everything becomes a struggle. Every morning is a challenge to drag yourself out of bed because you know that with a new day comes new struggles and you wonder you're going to deal. If I could tack one word to depression, it would be: EXHAUSTING. Mentally, physically, emotionally...basically anything that ends with -ly. I think that's half the battle with the whole kit n caboodle. You're just so. Worn. Out.
Now, I'm putting all this out there because I have come to a place where I can't keep hiding behind this persona. Let me tell you, it's hard. You try so hard to hide that anything is wrong because you feel ashamed. Defeated. Embarrassed. Like a burden to others. A failure. Imperfect. Belittled. Different. Like an outcast. It's hard enough dealing with the stuff going through your head that tears you down. But then to have the potential that people will treat you differently...in a bad way...it's downright scary and frightening.
I do want to throw out there that I do take meds (btw, you'd be shocked if you learned how many teachers are on antidepressants...maybe lots are in general, but I had no idea it was so popular amongst education) and I am seeing a counselor. These two things have helped TREMENDOUSLY. And I have a super-supportive husband. He's amazing.
With my personality, I DO things to take my mind off being stagnant. If my mind is idle, Satan throws in some whacked out stuff and just goes after everything I've got. Which brings me to my dilemma (I know it's taken me FOR-EV-AH to get there...sorry...as I teach, background info is important!):
Lately, I've been questioning a lot of...shall we say, spiritual things? I know without a doubt that I received Christ my freshman year of college. There was that MOMENT. And then I had a RADICAL transformation. I mean, my whole life revolved around Christ. Like it should. It was amazing. I accepted Christ on a beach by myself (after being led by some pretty amazing friends), was baptized in the ocean, joined a church, led freshmen groups, was in women's groups, started a Christian sorority at Ole Miss, was mentored by an amazing woman of God, worked at a Christian camp in Texas for 2 summers...everything I did was kingdom-minded, Christ-glorifying, do-the-will-of-the-Father. It was incredible and unbelievable. I couldn't get enough. I was so after having that deep, personal relationship with Christ. It was pure joy and and happiness. When bad or trying things happened, it didn't matter, I had God to get me through. And He did. Everytime.
What happened? Our pastor did something different in church on Sunday. Instead of asking people to raise hands if they accepted Christ, he asked people to raise their hands if they knew for sure that they had Jesus in their lives. And ya know what? I didn't raise my hand. Because I just wasn't sure anymore. Had I done something to make Him forget about me and make Him not want me anymore? Now I "know" the Bible and "know" that it says NOTHING can separate us from the love of Christ. But now I'm questioning if I know that in my heart. I don't think I do. And I've always heard once-saved-always-saved, and by golly, Beth Moore will pound that in your head and tell you over and over that you are SEALED. But I'm just not feeling it. And I know "love and relationships shouldn't always be based on feelings", but what the heck? Shouldn't you "feel" something at least every once in a while? And I try so hard. I read my Bible, try to tackle a million studies, pray, etc., etc. etc. But nothing. I feel like I'm treading water.
Ya wanna know something weird? In our Lifegroup, we are studying spiritual gifts. I couldn't think for the life of me that God had gifted me with anything. I know what I "used" to be gifted in and that I still enjoy, but nothing was getting me excited or had me thinking or anything. I was so frustrated. But then Nathan said something about his old church having a grief ministry. WHAT?!?! I about leaped out of my seat. It was so...out of nowhere. I thought, HEY! What if I could reach out and encourage and support others with depression or those who are struggling balancing careers, motherhood, being a woman...but then...but then...we started talking about serving in areas where we should and shouldn't. Someone said something about are we just taking up someone's space by serving in an area where they're supposed to be? And ya know how I twisted that? "Hmmmm...maybe I'm just taking up space by being on this planet in general. Maybe I shouldn't be here and someone can do it better." .....?????? WHAT IS THAT?!?! Spiritual warfare? Hmmmm...food for thought...
So yeah, I left last night totally discouraged and upset.
BUT, if I can ever figure out this God-dilemma, I think I could really help some women with burdened hearts...I know it...I've seen it...I've experienced it...I know sometimes you just need a hug...someone to listen...someone to tell you what you're feeling is valid and that it will be ok...I would LOVE that. I want to feel like I'm helping. I think it would take my mind off myself and make me feel like I were helping someone. What all that actually looks
Like being played out, I have no idea. Time will tell.
If you made it this far, bless your heart. May God give you a special crown. I hope you don't think I'm some crazy that you don't want to be around because "she's got issues." I promise I'm an ok gal. Human. But ok. :)
Any advice or insight, I could sure use it. Help. Please. I'm desperate for some understanding. :)
Sarah
So...I decided that a lot of times, writing things out is the easiest way for me to express myself or communicate. Sometimes I just can't put into verbal words what it is I'm trying to say or how I feel.
Btw, if I have any typos in this post, I blame it on the iPad. It's pretty tricky to type entirely on a touch screen. That's my disclaimer for the night...
So, back to my dilemma. This is where I will try to get serious. Do you ever have something in your life that is so hard to express or talk about because you dont fully understand it yet? It's just so deep that even your mind has a hard time comprehending what's going on? Yeah. I'm there.
I've struggled with depressionn for a few years now. It's so challenging. Because you drive yourself crazy because you just want to be normal. You want to be ok. You want to be happy. You want to let things roll off your back. But those darn chemicals in your body just get out of whack and can't let your mind be free. Everything becomes a struggle. Every morning is a challenge to drag yourself out of bed because you know that with a new day comes new struggles and you wonder you're going to deal. If I could tack one word to depression, it would be: EXHAUSTING. Mentally, physically, emotionally...basically anything that ends with -ly. I think that's half the battle with the whole kit n caboodle. You're just so. Worn. Out.
Now, I'm putting all this out there because I have come to a place where I can't keep hiding behind this persona. Let me tell you, it's hard. You try so hard to hide that anything is wrong because you feel ashamed. Defeated. Embarrassed. Like a burden to others. A failure. Imperfect. Belittled. Different. Like an outcast. It's hard enough dealing with the stuff going through your head that tears you down. But then to have the potential that people will treat you differently...in a bad way...it's downright scary and frightening.
I do want to throw out there that I do take meds (btw, you'd be shocked if you learned how many teachers are on antidepressants...maybe lots are in general, but I had no idea it was so popular amongst education) and I am seeing a counselor. These two things have helped TREMENDOUSLY. And I have a super-supportive husband. He's amazing.
With my personality, I DO things to take my mind off being stagnant. If my mind is idle, Satan throws in some whacked out stuff and just goes after everything I've got. Which brings me to my dilemma (I know it's taken me FOR-EV-AH to get there...sorry...as I teach, background info is important!):
Lately, I've been questioning a lot of...shall we say, spiritual things? I know without a doubt that I received Christ my freshman year of college. There was that MOMENT. And then I had a RADICAL transformation. I mean, my whole life revolved around Christ. Like it should. It was amazing. I accepted Christ on a beach by myself (after being led by some pretty amazing friends), was baptized in the ocean, joined a church, led freshmen groups, was in women's groups, started a Christian sorority at Ole Miss, was mentored by an amazing woman of God, worked at a Christian camp in Texas for 2 summers...everything I did was kingdom-minded, Christ-glorifying, do-the-will-of-the-Father. It was incredible and unbelievable. I couldn't get enough. I was so after having that deep, personal relationship with Christ. It was pure joy and and happiness. When bad or trying things happened, it didn't matter, I had God to get me through. And He did. Everytime.
What happened? Our pastor did something different in church on Sunday. Instead of asking people to raise hands if they accepted Christ, he asked people to raise their hands if they knew for sure that they had Jesus in their lives. And ya know what? I didn't raise my hand. Because I just wasn't sure anymore. Had I done something to make Him forget about me and make Him not want me anymore? Now I "know" the Bible and "know" that it says NOTHING can separate us from the love of Christ. But now I'm questioning if I know that in my heart. I don't think I do. And I've always heard once-saved-always-saved, and by golly, Beth Moore will pound that in your head and tell you over and over that you are SEALED. But I'm just not feeling it. And I know "love and relationships shouldn't always be based on feelings", but what the heck? Shouldn't you "feel" something at least every once in a while? And I try so hard. I read my Bible, try to tackle a million studies, pray, etc., etc. etc. But nothing. I feel like I'm treading water.
Ya wanna know something weird? In our Lifegroup, we are studying spiritual gifts. I couldn't think for the life of me that God had gifted me with anything. I know what I "used" to be gifted in and that I still enjoy, but nothing was getting me excited or had me thinking or anything. I was so frustrated. But then Nathan said something about his old church having a grief ministry. WHAT?!?! I about leaped out of my seat. It was so...out of nowhere. I thought, HEY! What if I could reach out and encourage and support others with depression or those who are struggling balancing careers, motherhood, being a woman...but then...but then...we started talking about serving in areas where we should and shouldn't. Someone said something about are we just taking up someone's space by serving in an area where they're supposed to be? And ya know how I twisted that? "Hmmmm...maybe I'm just taking up space by being on this planet in general. Maybe I shouldn't be here and someone can do it better." .....?????? WHAT IS THAT?!?! Spiritual warfare? Hmmmm...food for thought...
So yeah, I left last night totally discouraged and upset.
BUT, if I can ever figure out this God-dilemma, I think I could really help some women with burdened hearts...I know it...I've seen it...I've experienced it...I know sometimes you just need a hug...someone to listen...someone to tell you what you're feeling is valid and that it will be ok...I would LOVE that. I want to feel like I'm helping. I think it would take my mind off myself and make me feel like I were helping someone. What all that actually looks
Like being played out, I have no idea. Time will tell.
If you made it this far, bless your heart. May God give you a special crown. I hope you don't think I'm some crazy that you don't want to be around because "she's got issues." I promise I'm an ok gal. Human. But ok. :)
Any advice or insight, I could sure use it. Help. Please. I'm desperate for some understanding. :)
Sarah
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)