Wednesday, April 8, 2015

You Shall Have No Other Gods

This blog is nothing fancy or nothing special.  I made the design by myself and uploaded it by watching a couple Google videos a couple weeks ago.

I created this blog several years ago when I was pregnant with my first son.  I did it to pass the time during my sleepless nights during the 3rd trimester.  I would wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning, grab some popsicles, and sit on the couch blogging or working on lesson plans and things for my classroom.  And I was on bedrest.  I look back and laugh.  This was also the time when I started reading teaching blogs and started my own.  My two blogs really paved the path for where I am today and have made my life totally different than what it was.

So what about today?  God actually placed it on my heart about a month ago to start poking at the keyboard again for this blog.  I neglected it for so long because...well...life happened.  My whole world was turned upside down once my boys entered the picture.  My heart is so full with them in my life.  But yet, my life is so empty.

Some of you may know my battle with depression and anxiety.  That's not what this blog will focus on, but I feel it's necessary to share it with you because it's part of my story.  It's part of who I am, whether I like or not (which I don't).  Things got much worse after I had my first son.  There were some very dark and hard times, but I doubled my meds and started seeing a counselor.  Things got better for a while.  A long while.  And then about 2 months ago it all went downhill...and fast.  I don't know why and I don't know what triggered it.  I've been journaling, mapping, and taking better care of my body, all in hopes of ironing out whatever is wrong.  Trying to find the trigger.  I can't find it.  I don't know what happened.  Eventually, I attributed my struggles to one thing: an attack straight from the enemy himself.  He is sneaky, he is deceiving, and he knows how to push my buttons.  He knows how to lie and he knows how to make my believe him all too well.

I'm not good enough.

I'm too fat.

I'm not cool enough.

I'm not pretty.

I fail as a mother.

I'm not a good wife.

I can't do anything right.

I let people down.

I'm too much for people to handle.

I have nothing to offer.

So what do all these thoughts make me do?  They make me shut down.  They make me close any doors.  They make me clam up.  They make me angry.  They make me sad.  They make me put up walls.  They make me resentful.  When people try to befriend me, I shut them out.  When they try to include me, I get defensive and shut down.  Who would want to hang out with me?  Help me?  Talk to me?  I feel like it's out of obligation, not out of a genuine desire to be my friend.  When people don't talk to me or don't include me, I tell myself that that is what I deserve.

The most painful part of going through this difficult time is remembering what used to be.  I used to have joy.  So much joy.  I used to be happy.  And I would give anything to have that again.  But I also know this is a season that I must endure.  So many days I just cry or go to sleep.  I've turned to working out (not like going for a little jog or lifting some 5 lb. weights...I'm talking a little bit of running and a whole lot of heavy lifting) because it's something I can control.  At least it's good for me, right?  ;)  But the fact is, I'm turning to things other than Jesus and that's a big part of my problem.

Tonight was the beginning of a new women's bible study at our church.  We are reading and discussing a book from Lysa Terkeurst.  It's called Becoming More than a Good Bible Study Girl.  It's very light, but tonight's message was so perfect.  There were 3 things that keep ringing in my ears.

The reality is that no person, possession, profession, or position ever fills the cup of a wounded, empty heart - not my heart, not your heart.  It's an emptiness only God can fill.  No friend, spouse, baby, car, house, job, or label of "super mom" can fill my heart.  It's not satisfying.  Only God can satisfy.

When we try to force something besides God to fill us, it quickly turns from a blessing into a burden.  Friends are good, but when I'm expecting them to fill my empty holes, friends turn into a huge burden because I'm expecting too much from them and it's not something they can even fill, no matter how much I want them to.

***We have to separate our circumstances from our identity.***  Just because my youngest son throws a temper tantrum does not make me a bad mom.  Just because I have a student who isn't reading on grade-level doesn't make me a bad teacher.  Just because my house is a mess today doesn't mean I'm a slob.


Tonight I'm wrapping up this post with a promise that I cling to whenever the enemy seems to have a hold on me and whenever things just seem really rough.  I actually keep it on my dashboard in my car.  I wrote it on a notecard back in 2007 and I put that same notecard on there during these times of my life.  If you're in a rough season, take heart.

So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. - 1 Peter 5:10

Saturday, February 23, 2013

A Fresh, New Beginning!

No matter how many times you fall or crawl under the covers and give up, there's always another chance.  ALWAYS.  You can have 50 new beginnings in your life.  Isn't that amazing?  You never have to be stuck.  Wow, what a difference from some of my previous posts!  A lot has gone down.  So a quick update...

*We moved into a new home this past July.  LOVE. IT.
*Rowan is now 20 months old and the love of our life.  The kid is stinkin' hilarious, too.
*I'm teaching 1st grade.  Yep, I moved.  Again.
*I'm back in school at Ashland University to get my Reading Endorsement.  3 classes (a total of 9 hours).  I'll be finished in December.
*I have embarked on a crazy new adventure of teacher blogging and selling my goods on Teachers Pay Teachers.  It has turned our lives upside down.  We are so blessed.
*Church is hit and miss.  We left our old church.  Long story and I won't go there.  I'm still kind of bitter about it, and it's best to just not talk about it.  ;)  But we started going to a new church.  We love it.  We just have a hard time making it, as usual.  But it's so real and relaxed.  The preaching is awesome and hits home every single time.  The worship is genuine and we get to hear from all kinds of different groups, which is so refreshing.
*Kyle finally left Lowe's and now works at a Budweiser distribution plant.  Good night, we have so much beer in our home.  And we never drink it.  Anybody want any? ;)

So that's the quick update.

I've decided I need this blog for my personal stuff.  And I'm going to switch gears a little bit and make it more about my home and my family.  We are about to go under a major kitchen renovation in a couple months (thanks, TPT!).  We're just kind of working on one thing at a time.  But we're making it how we want it, and that's just fun.

The only thing we've REALLY done so far is finish our family room.  Well, that's not true.  I'm still looking for the perfect curtains.  They're so darn expensive!  It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't need TWO panels.  Oh, well.  So here's the finished almost finished family room!





If you are interested in details, the awesome media center is the Logan Media Center from Pottery Barn.  The candle sticks, large wall cross, black and white storage ottoman, small storage cabinet, and lamp on small storage cabinet are all from none other than Hobby Lobby!  The two vases on top of the media center, candle holders on top left of TV, candle lanterns, bowl on top of the small storage cabinet, and candle holders on the wall on either side of the window are all from the former Southern Living catalog.  It's now called Willow House.  I think you can still get all of the pieces seen here!

And I'm a huge paint girl.  I promise it can make all the difference.  All of the walls in our home were painted a neutral beige color, which actually works nicely.  But to give the room a more dramatic effect and make it not so monotone, I painted the wall behind the media center a rich, dark brown.  It's called "Cloak and Dagger" by Olympic Paints.

My mom had an extra window valance on hand when we moved in, so we threw it up there.  It works, but I'm not in love.  So I'm on the hunt for the perfect window panels.  When I find them, I will let you know!  I'm also looking for more things to put on the shelves of the media center.  I'm going to Ikea in a couple weeks.  Between that and Hobby Lobby, I should be able to find what I need.

Well, I suppose I should get back to creating my March Math Centers.  :P  I hope you stay with me on this new journey.  I'm finally at such a great, peaceful place in life.  It is much needed and much welcomed!

Monday, March 5, 2012

Comparison is SO ugly

Comparison.  I DESPISE IT.  It makes you feel HORRIBLE and invades your mind.  You try to be someone you're not meant to be.  It's just so...ugly.  I don't know how else to describe it.  It has to be one of the WORST feelings/things out there.  I don't know much else that can tear someone down so much.

My old roommate gave me this quote that someone gave her a few years ago at Pine Cove...it's a pretty popular saying.  I have it posted next to my BED.  So I just made this on my computer because I just need to saturate my life with it.


So my friends...I leave you with this piece of Scripture that I'm trying to engrain into my stubborn little head...Lord, give me ears to hear, a heart to understand, and a brain to believe...it is my prayer I can say this verse with confidence very soon...

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." - Philippians 4:12

Sunday, February 19, 2012

A FRESH Start

I like the word FRESH.  Is that weird?  There's just something about it...it's...reFRESHing!  Think about it...  I remember that word striking me for the first time.  Beth Moore used it to describe her new book (at the time) "Believing God".  "A fresh explosion of faith"  Wow.  Doesn't that just sound nice?  I love the word!

Ok, anyways...

I feel like I'm off to a fresh start!  It's INCREDIBLE.  The doctor upped my dosage of antidepressant from 10 mg to 20 mg.  I honestly feel like a new person!  Who knew it could be so easy?  I was talking with my pastor's wife this morning (hi Angie!).  We'd been playing phone tag for a few days and finally caught up.  She was so encouraging and made me feel not so alone.  Wow.  She told me that what a lot of people don't understand is that if you have that chemical imbalance, you can't even BEGIN to think clearly spiritually.  I told her she was so right.  That's exactly how I felt.  I would just lay on my floor, not even knowing where to start.  I would try so hard to pray and read Scripture, but I just COULDN'T.  No words would come out, nothing made sense, I  was just so stuck.  But ever since I started taking more medicine, I can honestly think more clearly and rationally.  It's like the fog has been lifted.  Church this morning was so refreshing (there we go again!) because it actually made sense.  I could hear.  I could listen.  I could think.

The road is not finished...there's still a VERY long way to go.  I find out the results of my blood test tomorrow and will be visiting a doctor in Marysville that will hopefully really help me out with the headaches and things.  But I FINALLY feel normal again.  And you have no idea how good that feels.  :)

Love y'all...

Thursday, February 16, 2012

The crazy game of LIFE

I'm just coming out of my nightly panic/anxiety attack. It takes so much out of me and makes me so tired, so I doubt I will blog very long tonight.

I had an appointment with my counselor this afternoon. I pretty much bawled the entire time. It was good, but the knot in my stomach still won't go away. I tried to eat dinner tonight and had to force everything after the first two bites. And now I feel sick to my stomach even more. My mind started thinking, I started being hard on myself, my throat got tight, my stomach knotted up, my heart started racing, and then I crawled in bed and just cried. Now I'm coming out of this. As I recount my evening, the symptoms are resurfacing and I'm driving myself into another episode. This is MISERABLE. And I'm gonna say the word again: EXHAUSTING.

Kyle is supposed to take away all my meds (over-the-counter or prescribed)and just give me what I need when I need it. Done. I already hate having an empty nightstand drawer.

Then I'm not supposed to be by myself at night, so I have to find things to do or people to be with. I'm also supposed to take time for myself every day. At least an hour if I can. Yikes. That will be hard. But I will try.

Other random thoughts for today (because I'm tired of trying to make my thoughts flow and failing at it...):

-food makes me sick
-I shake a lot
-I sleep 4-5 hours a night
-polka dots don't make me smile anymore
-I really want it to be warm and sunny so I can be outside
-I have a HORRIBLE problem with comparing myself to others (I mean, really bad)
-COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY
-I totally had to double-check how to spell "thief". I can't ever remember if it's i before e or e before i.
-jeans day is awful right now...all my jeans fall off because they're too big. Even with a belt.
-the bible is of no interest to me right now because the words just...don't mean anything
-I want to be on a beach right now getting a suntan
-I wish I were a better mom. Maybe I'm not cut out for this.

Yep...that's it for now. Time to try to sleep...and hoping a bus crashes into our house and runs me over (which would be amazing, considering we live at the end of a no-outlet road in a tiny neighborhood...no buses here,). Goodnight...

Thursday, February 9, 2012

My mind hurts...

So I'm totally into this blogging thing hardcore now. I started doing my own teaching blog and it has really taken off. And I'm following a ton now. With my new blogging adventure and having my own "teaching store" where I create and sell my products, I have convinced my husband to get a Mac with some of our tax return money. The iPad just isn't doing what I need it to. :P So that means in the next few weeks my life will be consumed with blogging and computer creations as we welcome the new computer baby into our home. So. Pumped.

So...I decided that a lot of times, writing things out is the easiest way for me to express myself or communicate. Sometimes I just can't put into verbal words what it is I'm trying to say or how I feel.

Btw, if I have any typos in this post, I blame it on the iPad. It's pretty tricky to type entirely on a touch screen. That's my disclaimer for the night...

So, back to my dilemma. This is where I will try to get serious. Do you ever have something in your life that is so hard to express or talk about because you dont fully understand it yet? It's just so deep that even your mind has a hard time comprehending what's going on? Yeah. I'm there.

I've struggled with depressionn for a few years now. It's so challenging. Because you drive yourself crazy because you just want to be normal. You want to be ok. You want to be happy. You want to let things roll off your back. But those darn chemicals in your body just get out of whack and can't let your mind be free. Everything becomes a struggle. Every morning is a challenge to drag yourself out of bed because you know that with a new day comes new struggles and you wonder you're going to deal. If I could tack one word to depression, it would be: EXHAUSTING. Mentally, physically, emotionally...basically anything that ends with -ly. I think that's half the battle with the whole kit n caboodle. You're just so. Worn. Out.

Now, I'm putting all this out there because I have come to a place where I can't keep hiding behind this persona. Let me tell you, it's hard. You try so hard to hide that anything is wrong because you feel ashamed. Defeated. Embarrassed. Like a burden to others. A failure. Imperfect. Belittled. Different. Like an outcast. It's hard enough dealing with the stuff going through your head that tears you down. But then to have the potential that people will treat you differently...in a bad way...it's downright scary and frightening.

I do want to throw out there that I do take meds (btw, you'd be shocked if you learned how many teachers are on antidepressants...maybe lots are in general, but I had no idea it was so popular amongst education) and I am seeing a counselor. These two things have helped TREMENDOUSLY. And I have a super-supportive husband. He's amazing.

With my personality, I DO things to take my mind off being stagnant. If my mind is idle, Satan throws in some whacked out stuff and just goes after everything I've got. Which brings me to my dilemma (I know it's taken me FOR-EV-AH to get there...sorry...as I teach, background info is important!):

Lately, I've been questioning a lot of...shall we say, spiritual things? I know without a doubt that I received Christ my freshman year of college. There was that MOMENT. And then I had a RADICAL transformation. I mean, my whole life revolved around Christ. Like it should. It was amazing. I accepted Christ on a beach by myself (after being led by some pretty amazing friends), was baptized in the ocean, joined a church, led freshmen groups, was in women's groups, started a Christian sorority at Ole Miss, was mentored by an amazing woman of God, worked at a Christian camp in Texas for 2 summers...everything I did was kingdom-minded, Christ-glorifying, do-the-will-of-the-Father. It was incredible and unbelievable. I couldn't get enough. I was so after having that deep, personal relationship with Christ. It was pure joy and and happiness. When bad or trying things happened, it didn't matter, I had God to get me through. And He did. Everytime.

What happened? Our pastor did something different in church on Sunday. Instead of asking people to raise hands if they accepted Christ, he asked people to raise their hands if they knew for sure that they had Jesus in their lives. And ya know what? I didn't raise my hand. Because I just wasn't sure anymore. Had I done something to make Him forget about me and make Him not want me anymore? Now I "know" the Bible and "know" that it says NOTHING can separate us from the love of Christ. But now I'm questioning if I know that in my heart. I don't think I do. And I've always heard once-saved-always-saved, and by golly, Beth Moore will pound that in your head and tell you over and over that you are SEALED. But I'm just not feeling it. And I know "love and relationships shouldn't always be based on feelings", but what the heck? Shouldn't you "feel" something at least every once in a while? And I try so hard. I read my Bible, try to tackle a million studies, pray, etc., etc. etc. But nothing. I feel like I'm treading water.

Ya wanna know something weird? In our Lifegroup, we are studying spiritual gifts. I couldn't think for the life of me that God had gifted me with anything. I know what I "used" to be gifted in and that I still enjoy, but nothing was getting me excited or had me thinking or anything. I was so frustrated. But then Nathan said something about his old church having a grief ministry. WHAT?!?! I about leaped out of my seat. It was so...out of nowhere. I thought, HEY! What if I could reach out and encourage and support others with depression or those who are struggling balancing careers, motherhood, being a woman...but then...but then...we started talking about serving in areas where we should and shouldn't. Someone said something about are we just taking up someone's space by serving in an area where they're supposed to be? And ya know how I twisted that? "Hmmmm...maybe I'm just taking up space by being on this planet in general. Maybe I shouldn't be here and someone can do it better." .....?????? WHAT IS THAT?!?! Spiritual warfare? Hmmmm...food for thought...

So yeah, I left last night totally discouraged and upset.

BUT, if I can ever figure out this God-dilemma, I think I could really help some women with burdened hearts...I know it...I've seen it...I've experienced it...I know sometimes you just need a hug...someone to listen...someone to tell you what you're feeling is valid and that it will be ok...I would LOVE that. I want to feel like I'm helping. I think it would take my mind off myself and make me feel like I were helping someone. What all that actually looks
Like being played out, I have no idea. Time will tell.

If you made it this far, bless your heart. May God give you a special crown. I hope you don't think I'm some crazy that you don't want to be around because "she's got issues." I promise I'm an ok gal. Human. But ok. :)

Any advice or insight, I could sure use it. Help. Please. I'm desperate for some understanding. :)

Sarah

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Summer is Officially Here!

Fixing up this house and cleaning it has left me little time for much else.  That and our computer has issues, so most of the time I just don't want to fuss with it to get it to turn on.  It's a whole long process.

Well, I think we had MAYBE a week of spring here in central Ohio.  God decided, oh, heck with spring.  There's not much of a point.  Let's just go straight to summer!  And boy is it summer.  Hotter than most summer days around here.  Highs around 95-100?  If we get those, it's usually the first part of August.  It kind of makes me cringe when I think what August will actually be like...

My life has been consumed with popsicles, swollen hands and feet, drinking lots of water, and staying in the air-conditioning.  I would say flip-flops, too, but I wear those the moment it hits 50 degrees.  So that doesn't count as a "summer" thing for me.  :P

Still no baby yet!  It's still just the 2...er...3 of us (Dixie is the 3rd).  Speaking of the 3rd, she has been acting so funny.  I'm starting to sense that pets really DO have instincts when change is coming.  Be it a storm or a baby, they just seem to know.  Her latest thing is she just walks around crying.  Or jumps up in our bed and just cries.  It breaks my heart SO much.  An hour ago I heard her in our bedroom crying.  I quietly crept back to see what she was doing (sometimes she'll cry if she has a toy that she can't get to or food that she wants), but she was just laying on the bed crying.  I snuggled up with her and gave her some love.  I left and she continued.  Uggg...she makes ME cry sometimes!  :(

So today I finished reading, "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore.  It was a good book and much needed at this stage in my life.  It brought some new, fresh perspective that makes me feel a little more secure and have little desire to please other people so much.  Talk about a weight lifted off my shoulders! 

Then...I watched...."The Bachelorette."  Yes, I got sucked in.  So in case you don't watch, let me do a briefing on a particular piece of scum on the show.  Ok, maybe that was harsh.  But maybe it wasn't...let's go with the fact that this dude really is horrible.  His name is Bentley.  The bachelorette (Ashley) received some info before this guy even showed up that he was just planning on staying a few weeks, promoting his business or something, and then leaving.  He talked to the camera about how he has no interest in Ashley, she's not that attractive (he called her the ugly duckling), and was disappointed it wasn't another girl from last season.  He decided to leave and go back home.  At least he didn't spend too much time leading her on, but he was obviously one of her favorites (NO clue why) and she was crushed and heartbroken when he left.  He even had the nerve to tell her he was going home to be with his daughter and that he didn't know how to share his heart with Ashley when it belongs to his daughter.  Then he turns around and tells the camera that he's not leaving because of his daughter and that that doesn't matter.

Ummm...excuse me?!?!?!  First of all, nice job using your daughter as a scapegoat.  Don't you think she'll watch the show at some point?  I don't know how old she is, but even if she's really young she'll see it, or hear about it, at some point.  And what a horrible thing to say to/about a woman.  Now, I KNOW a lot of this stuff is set up and dramatized for reality television.  But that part doesn't matter.  What matters to me is that other women are seeing this and Satan is using that junk to scare them to trust guys.  Our culture embraces making people insecure.  Be it through a tv show, a billboard, or just walking down the street.  It's hard to NOT feel insecure about SOMETHING.  I'm mad at this guy (whether it was fake or real) for getting American women all fired up.

And I'm going to have to stop there and have incomplete thoughts on my blog.  My pain and frustration (pregnancy-related) is too much right now for me to concentrate.  I apologize.  Time to go lay down...