3rd Trimester Hormones are Ridiculous...

I have clicked on my blog several times tonight, debating whether or not to write.  This could be a long one, I'm just preparing anybody who decides to TRY to read this mess. :P 

Let me preface by saying, I really hate how I complain so much when I blog.  But I think the reasoning is when I get upset or frustrated, I just need to let it out somehow.  So I kind of feel bad for seeming like a complainer, but at the same time, this is my outlet where I can get things out and let them go.  I'm not sure if anybody really reads this blog anyways, so maybe that's a good thing.  :P

Ok, so maybe I just don't like being told what to do.  I am VERY stubborn.  (Ok, my history with depression and being too hard on myself, I need to insert a good quality about myself real quick...that's what my therapist said to do, lol...ummmm..............................well..........crap.  Maybe I need to go back to therapy.  :( :( :( )  Well, anyways, I think it's just the 3rd trimester hormones, but I have been getting very offended and emotional lately.  I feel like I'm not allowed to make any decisions about my pregnancy/this baby without someone chiming in how I'm doing things wrong or making mistakes or need to do it this way or that.  I honestly just want to crawl in a hole until baby arrives and then lock myself in the house after he arrives and not go out and see ANYONE.  Which I won't do, because baby needs to be around others.  And I really am a social person, but I also get very overwhelmed very quickly and easily.  It's weird.  It's like a wal goes up.  I also get social anxiety and panic attacks sometimes, even though sometimes I'm fine other times I'm not.  I'm not quite sure what triggers it specifically.  My brain just gets overstimulated sometimes and I shut down. 

I'm not even sure what else to say.  Getting all this out is making me emotional and even more confused.  :(  There are thoughts that I have that I feel SO guilty for having.  Like thinking certain people will take my baby and won't give them back.  I'm scared they'll try to make my child love them more than he will love me.  I'm scared of failing as a mom.  I'm scared of making a mistake and having people think I'm no good at this and shouldn't be a mom.  I'm scared certain people won't leave me alone once I have the baby because they just want to see him and be near him.  Like I said, it's not that I don't want other people in the baby's life.  That's not it one single bit.  I'm just scared my son won't know who I am because he will be handed off to somebody else all the time.

Ok, I'm done.  I feel I've already said too much and I can hardly breathe because I'm really upset right now.  I'm shutting down.  I'll be fine very soon.  I just need a few.  Thanks for letting me vent.  I see my husband MAYBE an hour or two a day, and he's been nothing but loving and supportive and I hate always unloading on him.

Oh, also, one thing I want to do before I'm done for the night is say that apparently I'm the worst pregnant woman ever because I:

- drink caffeine
- still do things and carry things, even though I'm on bedrest
- push myself too much to where I get contractions, and I don't care too much
- eat fish
- will get internal exams done and I'm EXCITED about it
- will NOT be using pacifiers
- will be nursing, but only for a couple months
- will be going back to work because I can't imagine my life without my job
- still watch my weight and don't eat if I feel like I'm gaining too much (which might explain why I've only gained 5 pounds)
- will occasionally eat lunchmeat (I usually don't want to eat it, but I will if it's what I want)
- take more meds now than I ever have in my life (you should see my nightstand drawer...I have 7 bottles of prescribed pills...including, prenatal vitamins, antidepressants, iron supplement, 2 different types of anti-nausea pills, a type of caffeine pill for migraines, extra-strength tylenol, and Tylenol 3 with coedine)
- secretly wish that he will come 3 weeks early...and that he's born in the middle of the night so that we can have a few hours to ourselves before ANYBODY comes to visit...once again, it's the social anxiety thing, not anything personal.  Just want a few hours to breathe and enjoy my new family.

Flame if you wish, judge if you want. 

Whew.  Thanks.

Popsicles at 6:30 a.m.

So I woke up at 4:30 this morning.  I'm not really sure why.  I think I was wondering if there were storms around or if I missed them.  So after laying in bed and staring at the ceiling for a good 45 minutes, I grabbed my phone and started Facebook stalking people.  When that didn't wear me out, I decided to get out of bed because I was craving popsicles.  So here I am...with 3 popsicles (blue, pink, and green).  The blue one has already been devoured, so I'm on to the pink one.  I think I may be crazy.  But they are oh-so-good.  Every morning should start like this.

As I was laying in bed for a couple hours this morning, obviously my mind was fixated on something.  I mean, you can't just lay there and not think about anything.  Well, my thoughts turned to working out.  I miss it sooooo much.  I was thinking, "Man, I would love to hop out of bed, put on my running shoes, and go for a jog around the neighborhood."  Or even head up to the Y for an early-morning workout.  I've already decided that once Baby K is born and I'm ok to resume working out, I'm definitely doing the Couch to 5K.  I'm super excited about it.  I'm hoping to be running 5K by time school starts again in August. 

It completely stinks having to rest so much and not even really lift anything.  I got so mad last night about my confinement and restrictions.  I have an awful habit of filling the trash too much and then trying to take it out when it's really, really full.  Kyle gets so irritated with me.  Rightfully so.  I knew he was frustrated last night because I had done it again.  He tried to lift it out and the bag ripped.  :(  So I jumped in and took over for him.  And do you think I was able to lift it out?  Noooo.  That sucker was heavy because I did some cleaning and threw out a bunch of stuff.  So he got mad at me again because I was trying too hard to lift the dumb bag and he knew I shouldn't have been lifting it.  But I pushed him away and yelled and told him I could do it.  He just stood there and stared at me, watching me continuously struggle.  I was swinging the dumb thing and hitting it against the counter.  Eventually I got it.  But I think I was taking out my anger and frustration on the trash.  Anger that I have to depend on other people.  Frustration that I can't just do things myself.  Needless to say, my back killed when I tried to go to bed.  :(

Now I'm on my green popsicle.  Life really isn't so bad...

Another Outlet

Well, being on bedrest has me slightly irritable and bored.  And instead of just blogging about my pregnancy and baby, I wanted another place to talk about other things.  So here we are.

I'm currently sitting here on the couch, waiting for the storms to roll in.  I love storms.  I just think they're so cool.  I'm also having some cramping, which I think might be contractions.  I can't wait to feel normal again. 

I feel so overwhelmed.  The first few days of bedrest were...relaxing.  Now I'm just sick of it and trying to not drive myself crazy.  What I REALLY want to do is go work out.  Go for a run.  But I think if I tried to run right now I'd hurl over with major contractions, end up in the hospital, and then be even more frustrated.

I have a few books I'd like to finish reading/start reading.  But I'm also trying to finish preparations for baby.  There's tons of laundry to be done and things to be put away.  The furniture arrives sometime this week.  Once the nursery is put together I think I will be more inclined to do things I'd like to do.  My problem is I have this mental to-do list.  I literally feel like I canNOT relax and enjoy myself unless everything else is done that HAS to be done.  Ya know...needs instead of wants.  But what I keep pushing to the back of my mind is that little voice that says, "Sarah, there will ALWAYS be something you HAVE to do...don't worry about it."  And I keep telling myself, no, no, no...just let me get this stuff done and then I won't feel guilty about relaxing.  Ha!  No wonder I get frustrated.  Seriously.  I look around the house and think...ok...checklist...do the laundry.  Vacuum the floor.  Dust the tables.  Do the dishes.  Clean out the garage.  Redo the bathroom.  Sand the baseboards and repaint.  Wipe down the walls.  Put together the stroller travel system.  Get the doors back on my closet.  Clean out the car.  Get an oil change.  Pay bills.  Clean and organize the study.  It just goes on.  And on.  And on.  And on....  And yes, I can't do most of these things because of my bedrest.  The only thing I might be able to do is drive myself to get an oil change.  Fabulous.

And my stupid mind can't rest!  I'm sure this has something to do with why I can't sleep at night.  And my other problem is I get so overwhlemed just thinking about it that I don't know where to start and never actually do it.  *Sigh*

I think I have a false sense of what reality should be.  It's like I think other people have life together and that it's supposed to be like the movies.  Super clean house.  Enjoying your home.  Cooking dinner and having dishes done in seconds.  Relaxing at night because everything is done.  Perfect home.  Perfect family.  Perfect life.

Owwwww.....major stomach pain.....oooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!  Give me a second....

Ok.  I think I'm good.  :P

Anyways, I'm praying for a restful and peaceful state of mind.  One that can let go and let God lead.  The perfect life is not a reality on this earth, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy it for what it's worth.  I'm tired of working for this life instead of letting it just be.  Hopefully over these next 8 weeks I can have a major life/mind transformation.  I want my little boy to have a momma that enjoys her life and spends her time loving her child instead of worrying about a to-do list.  Lord, grant me this request.  Help me to let go...