This blog is nothing fancy or nothing special. I made the design by myself and uploaded it by watching a couple Google videos a couple weeks ago.
I created this blog several years ago when I was pregnant with my first son. I did it to pass the time during my sleepless nights during the 3rd trimester. I would wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning, grab some popsicles, and sit on the couch blogging or working on lesson plans and things for my classroom. And I was on bedrest. I look back and laugh. This was also the time when I started reading teaching blogs and started my own. My two blogs really paved the path for where I am today and have made my life totally different than what it was.
So what about today? God actually placed it on my heart about a month ago to start poking at the keyboard again for this blog. I neglected it for so long because...well...life happened. My whole world was turned upside down once my boys entered the picture. My heart is so full with them in my life. But yet, my life is so empty.
Some of you may know my battle with depression and anxiety. That's not what this blog will focus on, but I feel it's necessary to share it with you because it's part of my story. It's part of who I am, whether I like or not (which I don't). Things got much worse after I had my first son. There were some very dark and hard times, but I doubled my meds and started seeing a counselor. Things got better for a while. A long while. And then about 2 months ago it all went downhill...and fast. I don't know why and I don't know what triggered it. I've been journaling, mapping, and taking better care of my body, all in hopes of ironing out whatever is wrong. Trying to find the trigger. I can't find it. I don't know what happened. Eventually, I attributed my struggles to one thing: an attack straight from the enemy himself. He is sneaky, he is deceiving, and he knows how to push my buttons. He knows how to lie and he knows how to make my believe him all too well.
I'm not good enough.
I'm too fat.
I'm not cool enough.
I'm not pretty.
I fail as a mother.
I'm not a good wife.
I can't do anything right.
I let people down.
I'm too much for people to handle.
I have nothing to offer.
So what do all these thoughts make me do? They make me shut down. They make me close any doors. They make me clam up. They make me angry. They make me sad. They make me put up walls. They make me resentful. When people try to befriend me, I shut them out. When they try to include me, I get defensive and shut down. Who would want to hang out with me? Help me? Talk to me? I feel like it's out of obligation, not out of a genuine desire to be my friend. When people don't talk to me or don't include me, I tell myself that that is what I deserve.
The most painful part of going through this difficult time is remembering what used to be. I used to have joy. So much joy. I used to be happy. And I would give anything to have that again. But I also know this is a season that I must endure. So many days I just cry or go to sleep. I've turned to working out (not like going for a little jog or lifting some 5 lb. weights...I'm talking a little bit of running and a whole lot of heavy lifting) because it's something I can control. At least it's good for me, right? ;) But the fact is, I'm turning to things other than Jesus and that's a big part of my problem.
Tonight was the beginning of a new women's bible study at our church. We are reading and discussing a book from Lysa Terkeurst. It's called Becoming More than a Good Bible Study Girl. It's very light, but tonight's message was so perfect. There were 3 things that keep ringing in my ears.
The reality is that no person, possession, profession, or position ever fills the cup of a wounded, empty heart - not my heart, not your heart. It's an emptiness only God can fill. No friend, spouse, baby, car, house, job, or label of "super mom" can fill my heart. It's not satisfying. Only God can satisfy.
When we try to force something besides God to fill us, it quickly turns from a blessing into a burden. Friends are good, but when I'm expecting them to fill my empty holes, friends turn into a huge burden because I'm expecting too much from them and it's not something they can even fill, no matter how much I want them to.
***We have to separate our circumstances from our identity.*** Just because my youngest son throws a temper tantrum does not make me a bad mom. Just because I have a student who isn't reading on grade-level doesn't make me a bad teacher. Just because my house is a mess today doesn't mean I'm a slob.
Tonight I'm wrapping up this post with a promise that I cling to whenever the enemy seems to have a hold on me and whenever things just seem really rough. I actually keep it on my dashboard in my car. I wrote it on a notecard back in 2007 and I put that same notecard on there during these times of my life. If you're in a rough season, take heart.
So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. - 1 Peter 5:10
